A venture into the past...

“Some people hide from who they really are, others accept who they are. But, sometimes, it’s the tough moments that help you realize who you’ve finally become.”

This weekend was spent in essentially solitary confinement where I was either at work, in transit to/from work, or sleeping. It's good for the paycheck, but this weekend it was bad for my mental state - or at least it was a gut check for my mind. In my 23 hours of work over the weekend, I decided to watch a season of Scrubs. For most people it would be a few hours of some laughs and some mild reactions to "understanding" the show on some level. I fell into that category of laughing and remembering why I enjoyed watching the show enough to buy a season of it. I rarely believe in a "Holy Coincidence" and less frequently claim to have experienced one. The idea that things happen for a reason is just something I take for granted or have issues accepting. Long story short, I feel like I needed to watch this particular episodes and I needed to really evaluate the past year of my life.

I know I am sounding like a completely self-centered person in this writing, but I don't really feel that this is for anyone who reads this. I need to say a few things and then hopefully I can get over this sinking feeling that my life will always be missing something. The next quote struck a chord with me and it hurt a little bit.

"I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, it's important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around."


I am a loner by nature, a hiker by hobby, and self reliant by necessity. I very rarely ask for help and I try to limit anyone from seeing me when I need help. I have lived a lot of my life with a thick outer casing that never comes down in public. I think that has come from being that anchor person for a lot of people in my life. Anchors can't be weak - they must hold steady in the strongest of storms - if they can't all will be lost. I take pride in knowing that people can count on me, but in the last year I have found myself praying and asking for my own anchor. I have several friends that are anchors for me and are always around if/when I am able to admit I need someone to hang out with. More often than not, I call someone to go grab wings and beer...if only to remind myself that I am not poor in friends.

But that isn't what I am looking for these days. I dated a girl in Auburn named Gold and things were going great (at face value) and I felt that I was really starting to connect to someone else. Simply put - I was wrong. I was not fulfilled spiritually, emotionally, and I was really unhappy in that situation. I had myself convinced of it otherwise and that I was happy the way things were going. She moved to Blacksburg, VA to further her education and I wanted to try the long distance thing. It worked for a grand total of a few weeks. I drove to her apartment in Virginia the night before we broke it off, because I wanted to see her face to face and really discuss things. Over the phone it is too easy and I can never get the inflections over the phone. I knew I needed to be up there from a phone call "we need to talk" and I left my house at 2 in the morning to go be there for her. Well after 13 hours in the car round trip, I was minus 40 dollars in gas, and a night of sleep lost - I ended up back home without that anchor and I never told anyone. I had never felt more distant than that in my entire life.

“I think one of the most universal human experiences is feeling alone. You’d never know it, but there’s most likely tons of people feeling the exact same way. Maybe because you’re feeling abandoned. Maybe because you realize that you aren’t as self-sufficient as you thought. Maybe because you know you should’ve handled something differently. Or maybe because you aren’t as good as you thought you were. Either way, when you hit that low point, you have a choice. You can either wallow in self-pity…Or you can suck it up. It’s your call.”

I think one of my fatal flaws is the inability to really bounce back from something like this...

Once a long long time ago or at least what seemed a long time ago. Her name is Alicia and I proposed and gave her a ring in the chapel at Callaway Gardens. Life was perfect then, well I thought it was perfect. I know now that sophomores in undergrad have no right to consider such things and that I was not in a place to be extending myself out like that. I was young, dumb, and I had no clue what I was doing - neither did she. We broke up. I was didn't support some of her dreams and she found comfort in the arms of another. Life sucked and I hung up the dating game for nearly 3 years. This most recent experience is almost a year to the date and I am still on the sidelines.

"I've been thinking a lot lately about taking chances, and how it's really just about overcoming your fears. Because the truth is, everytime you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you're always glad you took it."

I am torn on this idea. Some of my more rewarding experiences were on a risk, but some of the ones that hurt the most were also big risks. It's because of these risks that hurt that I am so nervous about trying to be proactive. It feels easier to pray for the opportunity to meet the girl out there that I am supposed to meet. My heart if actually open to the thought and because it is so open it hurts that there is no one there. All things come in due time...I know this is true. I also know that there is so much chaos in my life that I would be hard pressed to make time for a significant other, but in the same breath it would be nice to have someone to lean on.

“I usually don’t like thinking about the future. I mean let’s face it, you can’t predict what’s going to happen. But sometimes, the thing you didn’t expect is what you really wanted after all. Maybe the best thing to do is stop trying to figure out where you’re going and just enjoy where you’re at.”

Rereading this, it sounds as if my life is a sham or it is lacking. I can say that my life is good, but it times of quiet I am able to mend the weaknesses in my mask. In class and in life, I have been called an alpha male, a good friend, a reliable individual, someone who can be placed in any situation and keep a cool head, a joker, and several other things. I wonder if anyone who thinks that can see the scared person inside on the bad days? I wonder if people know that since finding my spirituality I have become more emotional. A few years ago, I was never moved by a movie or story and now I am proud to feel such things. I still consider such emotions a chink in the armor. Somewhere in my head I hear my father and grandfather saying "real mean" don't show emotion - they bury it. Men are tough and fearless. They connect with everyone without showing all their cards and so many other bad phrases. I still live by them though...

Lead, Follow, or Get Out of the Way

It's been awhile since putting some thoughts down, but life has kept me busy in several different ways. As of late I've been reassessing and the reexamining several aspects of life to include: leadership role in church, work/transfer, school and finally how each of them seem to be evolving.

The transfer at work was supposed to happen in September, but I've yet to move and more importantly I haven't held my breath on it. I have been able to get a few shifts with the Natural Resource Unit, but not nearly the number of shifts I was promised. I used to know my job description, but in the last two weeks I've cleared trails, built a bridge, installed culverts, maintained 911 boxes on the Silver Comet Trail, and tomorrow I get to do my best impression of a lumber jack. Pray I don't lose any fingers, toes, or anything of that nature. The idea of "playing with a chainsaw" sounds like fun, but I am a little nervous about felling trees for 5 hours. But I was told this week that after a few shifts..."You most likely won't be transferred". Still rather pissed about this development.

School is going well. I passed the midterm I thought I failed with a 92, but the professor admitted to making the test so ambiguous that no one would know how they did - thanks jack ass. I love sweating a test for a week. It wouldn't phase me much, but I had considered dropping the class because of this midterm. It is what it is - a crap class with an even worse professor. FML

Onto the thing that I have lost the most sleep over in the recent week. I am watching the opportunity to have a larger role in the ministries that I love and I am honestly afraid of it. I am nervous about the idea of people looking to my opinion or thoughts as a guiding force, I am humbled at the opportunity to serve, and I am honored just to be asked. All that being said, I still want to run away. Am I ready to do this? I could have sworn there were other people that wanted to do this job. I want to be rector, but I have this sensation that there are others that would do a better job at this point in time. I was hit with a curve ball this week. "I think you should consider being lay director"...WTF...I love the ministry, but I really hated some of those meetings. 8 hours of by-laws. Never again will that pain be in my life. I seriously wanted to strangle people or just walk away. Do these things make for a good candidate? I've prayed about it, meditated on those prayers, and all I get back is "lead, follow, or get out of the way". Not exactly the answer I was hoping for...

"It's only as funny as a mental breakdown"

First, no I am not having a mental breakdown and I hope I am not coming to that end. The phrase came from my new boss (should the meeting go well). I'm not really sure how or what was being talked about, but I overheard it. I had my first shift with what I hopes to be my new unit in the coming weeks. Working an 8-4 a few times a week and a weekend day will feel like a welcome vacation after going non-stop 7 days a week. Time will tell if this assumption is correct. There is a lot more on my mind, but between studying and attempting to get ready for this weekend I don't have time to sort it all out.

What a crazy trip it's been...

Short Recap of the week. Class, Work, Wildlife Rescue, Snow, had a snow ball fight, Spread 80 pounds of salt and 20 pounds of sand in 2 parks, called 911 and by tomorrow I will have worked 28 hours in 3 days. Class and work seems to be the never ending story of my life, but that's where normalcy ends. Thursday I got called to help with a wildlife rescue because a beaver got hit by a car and limped into the park. That was pretty cool and it may be the first step to my transfer to the Natural Resources Management Unit. The snow came in and again I was abandoned at work by my boss. This now makes the second weekend working in sub-par weather conditions and watching him leave the building. It wouldn't bother me so much, but I had to head to another facility to redo what the county DOT did to prevent accidents or injuries at our auxiliary building in another park. Tonight I had to work again and spread more salt/sand before working a rental. The rental was easy, but I had to call 911 because some moron kids were pulling donuts in the car and hit a light pole. Needless to say I am ready for this weekend to be over.

Other chunks of life seem to be going well. It's the simple things in life. First round of tests for this semester is this week. Should be loads of fun. Then Vocare this weekend. Still need to figure all that stuff out...carpooling?!? gifts!?! sleep?!? One day at a time. What's life without a little challenge?

Too tired for a title

I've come to the conclusion working 30 hours in three days blows. Today was spent setting up for a special event at work, which will have 6 employees working when the usual number is 12...but 4 of those are lazy and do better at "supervising" than working. I hate the fact that the higher in the chain-of-command the less work you actually do...in fact it kinda pisses me off. But tomorrow I will be one of several jobs to include but not limited: janitor (the one at work sucks something major and I have to clean the building from end to end), pack mule (still more tables to set up), photographer, and at the end of it all...I have to make sure the building is clean for basketball, which is another 10 hour day. Somehow I think it will be taking it all in with a smile will be a hard thing to accomplish.

I shouldn't complain too much, a few months ago my name was on a short list of people to potentially let go. Luckily that never happened and I am thankful for that, but even with everything it's hard to work for/with people you don't respect. My old supervisor always had something to work on and it felt like being on a team. My current boss leaves for a 3 hour lunch break when I get to work, let's his staff events he is responsible for, and to add insult to injury he then takes the credit for other people's work. I could probably go on for several hours on why I could care less for him...but again I remind myself I shouldn't complain too much.

I hate leaving things negative. I have 17 more months of school to start a new career and with that new career comes several positives in life. The biggest thing I miss about my own place was having people over to watch a movie or grab a meal. I fully intend on both of those making a strong comeback. Operation Soup Drop happened and I am already pulling out new ideas to help bring some extra smiles.

Picking myself up by the bootstraps

It's been awhile since I've had the energy to post some thoughts or fleeting notions about how life may be progressing or the fact that day in and day out there is an inevitable "bang head here" sign around the next corner. I guess breaking it down piece by piece may be the only way to attempt to really digest how life has changed both in the positive and in the negative.

Looking on the brighter side of life. Classes have started and therefore I feel like i am no longer a bump on a log waiting for my real life to begin. I am not sitting in a chair fantasizing what it would feel like to be back in class or more importantly working towards a new goal in life. Instead I am headed to "the trenches" as they are called by my soon-to-be colleagues to fight in a proverbial war against politics, parents, students, and anything else that one can imagine. But I'm not there yet...I am in the classroom learning the theory of education from professors using the same slide transparencies that their own lecture say "encourage students to zone out". Hey Dr. Dumbass...25 year olds still zone out after the 60 "and then" said in an hour lecture. Luckily there is one class that I enjoy - Earth Science. The professors are great and the classes are entertaining.

It's an odd feeling to be starting a new chapter in life and still having to thumb back to older portions of a life that was once left behind. I am back at my "old" job before Auburn - hate it. Dealing with the same drama that I left - over it. Promised a transfer that has been approved since Sept and has yet to materialize - ready to look else where. I am stuck in the rut of normalcy, literally in the prison of knowing what to expect and yet not finding a pathway out. In short work sucks.

However, moving back home has been what missing in my life. I never knew how much support was out there between friends and family that was both spoken and unspoken. Life has gotten better at home - Auburn nearly killed me in more ways than one, which I may or may not ever publicly admit. Though at some point I may have to come back to this point.

I think I am in a period of self-reflection while resorting back to old habits in order to keep a rouse up or at least force a smile at times. It never fails that once life appears to be on the up and up some dark secret/demon/idea/you get the idea comes back to tear away at you. I think this has been the source of angst for me for the past few days. I recently had a discussion concerning faith, well if you consider being verbally attacked a discussion, that threw me back to a time when I was told flat out that I was some weak in faith that I could never be a "real" Christian. Well that conversation came back in the form of a mutual friend a few days ago. Pissed wouldn't seem to cover the range of emotions. Faith is something I don't talk a lot about, but I keep it near to my heart. No reason to question something that hasn't failed or at least pointed the way to help...

This week has been a set of mixed blessings. Classes have been the been the same, but at the same time I am slowly making the connections that eventually lead to new friendships. I've had an easy work week and will have a busy weekend. My work outs keep my sanity by releasing some of the stress that seems to be ever present but without an identifiable source. It feels good to be needed, even if the need only exists within my own head. I've always felt that the people we encounter in life are there for a reason and the best rewards come from cultivating those relationships. I think I suffer from a need to please others. Maybe this isn't such a bad thing...maybe it's how I lose myself at times. I don't care. Sometimes I need the hug back just as much as the person I am offering the hug to...I just can't say it out loud. The question, "how are you?" typically results in various responses to say life is good, even when it's not. I have this fear of appearing weak or unable to maintain composure. I can remember so many people saying that isn't what men do...men don't cry. "Cowboy up and put on the stiff upper lip". I still see myself as an anchor point and I've been told I have a calming presence. Call this my own potentially self destructing self narcosis. I feel the best when I am bringing food, offering a listening ear, or just finding a way to make someone laugh. Maybe by helping others I can simply delay my own needs. I wouldn't trade that feeling for the world.

One step at a time...

First week of classes down and now I have another 17 months and some weeks left to attain my final goal. This is good, life doesn't seem so hard anymore. Strange to think that such a small and simple thing could make a difference in levels of stress. The concept of night classes, working nights (when not in class), and a potential lack of social life would seem like a bad thing...but I am actually kinda excited about it all. It's going to be tough, I'm going to get pissed, the process will be both rewarding and exhausting and I am going to get through it. Life is all about little changes and challenges so that at the end of the day you can come out a better person.

The longest of journeys still start with a single step

Have you ever woken up one morning and felt that life is on some sort of odd repeat? It may seem like a strange question, but for me the question seemed prudent and applicable. I am back in graduate school (round two), back at home (for the time being), and attempting to get all my ducks in a row (once more). But this feeling is slowly starting to take roots in the fact I am back at Cobb County Parks (still waiting on my transfer to Natural Resources), dealing with the same drama from the same co-workers, and the same daily work routine. I've come to the conclusion that this second road is more like a loop from the trail head. I've walked this path before and it's a rough journey full of uphill climbs and downhill slides, but I've never reached the summit. In this case my summit is the degree and the eventual career to follow. I feel that I am behind in the game of life as of right now. I think that has caused so much stress in life, the lack of sleep, and the somewhat failing motivation.

However, life is worth living and things are going according to the path that is now laid before me. First week of class down and classes are going great and 18 months from this point I will be a certified teacher with a master's degree. Wonder how I will be influencing students in a positive way. I remember my teachers and can remember specific conversations that have molded me more than I ever thought was possible. The longest of journeys still start with a single step and although I've had to backtrack I have the experience and the drive to find a way to my goal. I have support, friends, and family who all believe in me. It's time I dust off the boots and get to stepping.